I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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