I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
