I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
