when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
