this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize