Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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