We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
