i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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