I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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