On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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