Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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