So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
