doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
