I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
