at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
