haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What a dumb baby whore.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
