I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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