Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
