Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
