I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
