I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Drunk is not a location!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
