And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
