i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
