watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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