Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
