Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
he just fucked me for my cheese..
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
