I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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