Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize