i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
