dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
