Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
