she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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