JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
