I got chris browned last night
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
