this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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