My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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