I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
