i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize