i wish my penis had a tongue
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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