Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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