so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
