The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
