Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
