woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
