Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
