Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
