can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
