Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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