Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
