I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
