I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
