peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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