No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
